Tag: Conflict Resolution

By Tim Schneider

The spring of 1865 was a difficult and particularly brutal time for the Confederate States of America, and the events surrounding April 9 of that year can teach us a lot about resolving conflict at work, in business and at home.

Seeking the Best Solution

The Army of the Potomac, under the command of George Meade and overall direction of Ulysses Grant, had the Army of Northern Virginia surrounded at Appomattox Courthouse Virginia. At any time, and with a single command, Grant could have crushed the rebels and wiped them from the face of the earth.

But he didn’t.

Against the objections of several of his officers, Grant sent Robert E. Lee no fewer than three offers for surrender. General Grant sought a better solution. A solution that would reconnect the southerners to the Union and create a peace that was lasting, sustainable and would allow the defeated to lift their heads and return to citizenship.

The lessons for the modern workplace become easy to see. Do not look for ways to crush or humiliate someone in conflict. Look for a solution in which needs are met by both parties. A conflict solution will never last if it is horribly one-sided but solutions can be created in which both or all people involved can walk away with something; a mutual win. This is not compromise but seeking an independent solution that serves individuals and the organization.

Pride and Ego

Lee’s army was outnumbered six to one, starving and with no viable supply line. Yet he chose to reject the first offers of surrender. His pride would not allow him to acknowledge losing.

That pride cost 500 lives.

The ability for any person to subordinate ego and pride to resolve a conflict is incredibly important. To step back, pause, reflect and realize that the need to be right or “win” a conflict has tremendous cost in time, effort, emotional energy and relationships. When a person can remove this ego/pride block, creating a best solution outcome will become much easier. Checking in on your motives is the first step in this direction. Quite simply, ask yourself why you are in this conflict and why you need to be right or win.

Absolutism

There was no shortage of people on both sides of the American Civil War that sought an absolute, black versus whit and right versus wrong, outcome. Those people looked for either a crushing victory or a “never surrender” approach that had potentially devastating outcomes.

Contractual, letter of the law, policy based solutions to conflict rarely work. You may have policy on your side but that does not mean that will resolve the conflict. Those people that cite law, policy or other terms to support their argument in conflict will do nothing more than fan the flames of disagreement.

Empathy, by contrast, is a far better tool that written righteousness to resolve conflict. Instead of quoting contract terms and company policy, listen to the other point of view and put yourself in that situation. Leading with the heavy-handed perspective of “absolutely right because the policy says so” will only ensure a continuation of the conflict.

Generous in Victory

The terms offered by General Grant were especially noteworthy and his generosity stayed with Lee until his death. The winning commander offered all confederate combatants be able to keep their horse to rebuild their farms, and that none face trial for treason and none be incarcerated. Grant also allowed all officers to keep their sidearm and, upon inspection, returned General Lee’s sword to him. Lee was also allowed to pick the date, location and time of the surrender meeting.

Also remarkable is that no cheering was allowed and celebrations were kept to a respectful minimum. Grant was quoted as saying “they are our countrymen now and the best sign of rejoicing will be to abstain from demonstrations in the field”.

When a conflicting position is in the right, the need to be generous is important. Far too often a person needs to demonstrate their “win” in conversation and follow-up emails echoing their victory in conflict. This type of resolution will not last and the other party must be allowed to exit a conflict with grace and dignity restored. Without this, connecting them back productively and in an engaged manner to the working environment will not occur. When someone says that you win or are right, leave it alone and stop hammering home the point.

Supportive in Defeat

Equally telling is Lee’s support for the surrender, reconciliation and Grant himself after the events of April 9, 1865.

By his own choice, General Lee never again donned the uniform of general officer of the confederacy and when marching in parade formation, he purposefully remained out-of-step with the cadets at his university. Now a private citizen and having lost everything to the war, Robert E. Lee also never uttered an unkind word about Grant and never allowed poor talk of Grant in his presence. Lee was committed to being the best citizen he could and used his voice to encourage others to do the same. The war was over.

In workplace and interpersonal conflict, often the person in the wrong feels an ego driven need to justify either their loss or the injustice of the conflict result. This pot-stirring added value serves no purpose and will guarantee the conflict returns. When the conflict is over, it must be over. Admit wrong. Move along.

Postscripts from History

Although victorious in 1865, Ulysses Grant died penniless and in constant pain from a variety of illnesses. His account of the war restored much of the family fortune after his death.

Robert E. Lee accepted a position of college president and served honorably until his death.

Tim Schneider is the founder of Aegis Learning and has been working with teams and leaders for 25 years.   He generates results, impact and his sole focus is your success.

He is the author of The Ten Competencies of Outstanding Leadership and Beyond Engagement and a widely sought speaker, training facilitator and individual development coach.