By Tim Schneider

(Originally published and written on August 30, 2015) 

I’m going to want you to be honest with me here and honest with yourself.

Think back to the times where you had a lot of apprehension, anxiety and mistrust.  These memories can come from the work environment or your personal life.  Maybe you thought your job was going to be eliminated.  Maybe you were being audited and did nothing wrong.  Maybe your spouse was out late and didn’t call to check in.  Maybe you were waiting for some medical test results back and hadn’t heard for a few days.  Maybe you hadn’t gotten a call or text you were expecting for a friend.

I know those are not pleasant memories and we won’t be staying here long. 

Each of those examples and most others like it have one single cause point:  communication frequency.  Communication, even a simple update can ease most of the apprehension, anxiety and mistrust described above and failure to communicate and the march of time will continue to grow those highly negative emotions and fears.

The balance of this article will take two very divergent angels in how to deal with communication frequency and the impact on trust.

Over Communicate

Quite simply tell people what you are up to and what you are doing.  As a leader, you can’t afford any lapses in trust that are so easily curable as you communicating with affected team members.  Your team can’t read your mind and they don’t automatically know what you are doing and your motives.  You have to tell them.

A couple of the best models to use include regular team meetings to insure that everyone is hearing the same thing and that will eliminate the in-the-know jealousy that sometimes develops when insiders know what is going on and others don’t.  To reduce the risk of trust lapses, these meetings should be weekly or every two weeks.

One-on-one meetings allow team members a better forum to ask questions and dive deeper into subjects than in a group setting.  When done monthly, it allows for a lot of clarifications and amplifications where needed.

Daily huddles are another great tool to give brief updates on what is happening in short term basis and it makes sure everyone has the same level of communication on a daily basis.

One final consideration is the use of technology in communication.  I started to count the ways people can communicate with me through the written word and social platforms.  There is email, text, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Google + and Instagram.  Within each of those, there are subsets of groups, pages, forums and instant messages.  The excuse of not having a way to connect with team members left with the dialup modem. 

Some of the good examples of using technology to assist in communication frequency include using private groups to post project updates, using group notifications to spread the word about a new team member and using social media with tags to share key news.  This method of communication will become more and more prevalent as millennials dominate the workplace (they check their social media before email).

Self-Management and Expecting Better

The divergent side of communication and trust involves a bit of self-management, emotional intelligence and changing your expectations.  By a big part, this is harder but the long-term value is very high.

Just because you don’t hear something doesn’t mean something is bad or something is wrong.  In a perfect world, you would know and have access to the information you need when you need it but we do not live in that realm.

So there are times you don’t know and don’t get the communication that builds and maintains trust.  The reaction to that situation is now up to you.  You can choose to be fearful or you can choose to expect a positive outcome.  That choice rests entirely with you.

The other reminder here is that you have almost no control over how people choose to communicate with you.  If they communicate frequently, infrequently, disjointedly, harshly or not at all.  You can control your reaction but not control the communication.

“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.”

Michael Pritchard

Like many subjects related to self-management and your emotions, this is not one that can be cured by reading an article or looking at a motivating picture.  You will have to commit to changing your reaction to these situations and begin a journey where you will have to remind yourself regularly of your control over the reaction and not the lack of communication you are receiving.

The two sides of communication and trust.  Over-communicate when you are owning and driving the event and manage your reaction when you are the expected receiver of the communication. 

By Tim Schneider

He screwed up my order four times.

First time was at the speaker.  He just couldn’t seem to get it down right.  It wasn’t hard either.  The apple turnover must have thrown him off.

He handed me my drink.  One sip proved that it wasn’t iced tea. 

Both the great Arby’s folly of March 5, 2019 was not yet done.  He asked me for a receipt he hadn’t yet given me.  Gave me the wrong bag of food.  Forgot the turnover.

It really wasn’t the day for this.  Tough morning.  Lots to do.  Very tight scheduling.  Not the day at all.  So, I wasn’t frustrated.  I wasn’t upset.  I was angry.  Mad.  Irritated.  This young kid at the Arby’s drive up window had provoked me to anger.  How could he be so stupid?  Why couldn’t he even do his job with minimum competence?  Why does he even have a job? 

By the time I turned out of Arby’s and into the street to take me home, the anger had passed a bit.  It was replaced by a combination of embarrassment and slight irritation.  The irritation was a byproduct of the prior anger and the embarrassment was about how I let this situation dictate my emotions and drive me to anger.  Truly embarrassed for how I felt and how this changed the composition of my emotions and my day.

Three stoplights later, there was another shift.  This time, thoughts and feelings of empathy replaced the prior emotions.  Situational empathy that I have been in spots where I just continue to screw up and make things worse.  Emotional empathy that I have been overwhelmed by work and new situations and he was obviously that.

By the time I rolled into the driveway, the final shift occurred.  The empathy has now been replaced by compassion.  I was feeling care for that young man.  I wanted to go back and tell him it would be okay and that better days are ahead of him.  Stopped and prayed a minute for him to help him have peace and comfort. 

This evolution from anger to compassion is not unique to me or unique to bad customer experiences at Arby’s.  I can remember painfully well how I reacted in a similar way when my mom first had symptoms of Alzheimer’s.  All emotionally intelligent and mature people do this at varying times and in different ways. 

A purposeful approach to move out of anger and into compassion is absolutely needed.  Organically and with time, anger with subside but not without taking a toll on you and those around you.  To use a more purposeful approach will get you out of it quicker and recovered to a healthy emotional condition very rapidly.

1. Acknowledge the Anger

Don’t deny or hide that you are upset.  Internally, and sometimes externally acknowledge those feelings.  Be aware of your surroundings and when it is appropriate to share with others.

2. Provide Perspective

Where does the event fit in the grand scheme of life or even where does it fit, relative to importance in today.

3. Create Empathy

Put yourself or someone you care about in the narrative of the event.  Use them in the role of protagonist.  Look for situations in which you or your actions have created anger in others.

4. Show Compassion

Take a moment and reflect on how you could have provided some loving response or encouragement for the person and in that situation. 

By Tim Schneider

For the past 25 plus years, I have been accused of making up words that fit a particular phenomenon or situation.

Guilty as charged.  Not even remotely sorry.

Possiblitarian (sees the possibility in everything) is my favorite.  Nocturnalist (late worker).  Clouder (someone who muddies every issue with volumes of crud).  Fauxcoach (fake helper).  Hypercontrarianism (opposes everything/all the time).  Employoration (decorative employee that contributes little but has a great looking title/office).  Strategery (borrowed from President G. W. Bush).  Painfully, those closest to me have to learn these strange combinations and be on the lookout to call out new ones.

Recently, I have had the opportunity to talk with and observe several people who are entrenched in survival mode.  They work every day.  They pay their bills.  They move from Monday to Friday in a kind of zombie-like precision of sameness.  Counting days until retirement vesting.  They are surviving. 

Don’t get me wrong; surviving is better than the alternative, but it is certainly not a great place to hangout for an extended period.  Humans are built for more than just survival and sameness.  We are wired for much, much greater things.

Which brings us to a new word:  Thrival. 

Thrival is creating an environment in which we are thriving or prepared to thrive.  Thriving is utilizing all of our capabilities, abilities, talents and emotion in doing something we want to do, not have to do.  We will always have “must dos” but directing them to a goal or desire will convert them into a part of thriving and not merely surviving.

Thrival is also a mindset.  Mindset are complex sets of beliefs, thoughts and attitudes that have a big impact on behavior.  A positive mindset will eliminate many self-defeating behaviors and create a path for desired outcomes.  They are also the antidote for negative cognitive biases.

So the real challenge is how to move from survival to thrival.  This part is going to take a little work and dedication, but it is highly doable and all of us can accomplish these steps:

1. Purpose

What do you want to do?  What makes you happy?  What are you good at?  What really inspires you and lights an internal fire in you?  Where is your passion?  What do you want to be when you grow up?

These are the questions to establish purpose.  Purpose is the target of thrival.  Ultimate thriving is the ability to live your purpose.  Once a purpose is established and visualized, you are well on your way to having a thrival mindset.

Dare to be great.  Dare to do what you want to do.  Dare to live the life you deserve and have dreamed about.  Dare to become the awesome human you are designed to be. 

2. Visualize and Mind-Manage

The most difficult part of this process is to manage your own thoughts throughout this process.  The “can’ts”, “won’ts”, “nevers” and even worse will try to creep back into your mind.  These little creeps must be drowned out immediately and aggressively.  See your dream with clarity and order your self-talk to be supportive and encouraging.

3. Alignment

A tougher analysis is looking at your daily activities and see how many align directly with your purpose.  Not all will but most should eventually.  The process of aligning activity with your purpose may also require that you set aside blocks of time to work towards your purpose and eliminate some activities that don’t connect and never will.  Explore options of some required tasks (outsourcing, delegating).  Create a chart of activities and draw lines to your purpose/thrival statement.

4. Execution and Support

Now get to it.  Create a date certain and commit to living a life of thrival and not just surviving. 

You will also want to take a critical look at the people around us.  Make sure they are encouragers and not naysayers.  Yes, to live a life of thrival, your tribe may have to change a bit.

Best wishes on becoming a thrivalist (oh cool, another new word) and I look forward to hearing about your ongoing success.