Chances are, you will work with someone that you do not get along with at some point in your career. When my kids complain to me about unkind teachers, or group work with peers that do not pull their weight, I tell them to view these experiences as valuable preparation for the workforce, where they will undoubtedly encounter bosses who lack empathy, co-workers who spend more time making excuses than producing results, and customers who are simply mean. And if you’ve ever had to take a stand on an issue, a decision, or a project, you may have found yourself in conflict with one of your colleagues and/or managers.
There are different strategies for handling conflict in the workplace, but before you jump into conflict resolution mode, take a moment to understand what the real problem is, what your role is in the situation, and what your motivation is for resolving it.
What is real problem? Is it a disagreement about a course of action on a project, or is it a clash of personalities? Is your reaction based on the merits of the action, or the behavior of the person who made the decision? If your conflict is based on a clash of personalities, it is important that you understand your role in the conflict.
What is your role? Always remember this: you can only control your own behavior. You may have developed strong active listening skills and worked very hard to demonstrate emotional intelligence traits like self-awareness, self-control, social skills, and empathy. But you cannot control the way another person hears your message, no matter how well you express your thoughts and ideas. Ask yourself, did you do everything you could to convey your point of view with clarity, consideration, and respect?
What is your motivation for resolving it? Take a step back and evaluate the value of the relationship in terms of how it impacts your job function, to determine if it is worth the effort. If it is a matter of clashing personalities (and not, say, a conflict over a business decision), and you otherwise rarely work with the person, would it be easier for you to just let it go? Can you work productively with somebody that you dislike (or who dislikes you)?
There is no doubt that conflict in the workplace can cause a great deal of stress, turning a dream job into 40 hours a week of misery. But if you are going to invest your time and energy trying to resolve a conflict, be sure that you understand what the problem is, what your role is, and why you want to resolve it, so that your energy can be focused on solving the real problem. And temper your expectations; there are bound to be personalities that you will never enjoy working with (and vice versa).
So are you stuck working with somebody you dislike? It might happen; if it does, let me share a strategy that has helped me work with the toughest personalities. I once worked for a boss that was very unlikable; this person was often rude and occasionally horribly insensitive to our customers, to my co-workers, to other leaders in the organization and (I’m told, behind my back) to me. But I really loved the job and the potential it had for advancing my career in a field I have a great deal of passion in. So instead of dwelling on the behaviors that disliked, I made a point of discovering something about this person I genuinely liked. For this boss, it was specific area of expertise. I found that by concentrating on a positive aspect of this person’s behavior, I was able to stay positive and productive in my own role (rather than dwelling in the negative – not great for productivity). I will admit that over time this person’s behavior led me to look for opportunities outside the organization. But I wasn’t making myself miserable while waiting for another job opportunity to arise, which helped me stay in a positive mindset for my next employer. Again, you can only control your own behavior.